Monday, April 26, 2010

Remember the three little pigs?

We, Pete and I are in the middle of an ongoing process to heal and make our way in the world -- both on a material and spiritual level.  The process is messy, and moves in all directions at once sometimes, and stands stark still at others.  With our home as tiny as a closet, perched on two wheels, the reality of limits forms sharp squares and we run into the walls easily because of course it takes no more than four or five steps to reach the farthest wall in a vardo. 

I often use astrology to angle my way through the maze of my life that will not sort from within my brain or mind.  Astrology gives me a Cosmic Pie to view and chew; the planets and locations/definitions of the Houses helps to navigate.  With the language of astrology prototypes of behavior show themselves and I jiggle the information and try to apply insight to my life.  This post is another one of those jiggles of information.  We are living with others (they are our benefactors) and have been more than once in our lives.  We receive benefit and yet, the imbalance of a relationship like this can become a pattern ... and that's what is happening here in the Mill Town.  The balance has tipped, the boundaries have been crossed and the process for healing or inflamation is in the balance.

Yesterday, when I walked through the side door of the main house I smelled chemicals.  Strong, unexpected and unidentified.  I held my mask to my face and also held my nose, and closed the basement door behind me.  WTF!  I know that chemicals are used in the house and have made adjustments to their use.  The smell yesterday was different. 

By mid-day I was sick from the exposure; headache, nausea and weakness; then anger and rage, disorientation.  I had time to rest and do the things that calm me.  Finally, late in the afternoon I was able and ready to ask , "Did you use chemicals?"  "Yes, their in here."  She indicated the kitchen, and continued saying, "it was grungy and I swabbed down all the counters with cleaners."  God, it was worse than I thought.  I turned to her from behind my mask and said, "My friendship with you is a real contradiction...You choose to use chemicals that make me sick!"  Caught unaware(?) she said, "I'm sorry."  I could not remain in the kitchen much longer than that, and said, "I've gotta move on."

The ripple of those actions are felt today:  Pete has had his own conversations with both friends who live here and share their home.  Boundaries and limits are the issue and more will be revealed.  My karmic lesson is "Cooperation" and I am learning that there are always at least two sides to every story.  The title of this post and the cartoon here point to the children's tale "The Three Little Pigs" ... a parable for teaching what values count in the 'building of one's home".  I know that I come with issues that surround my self-value and the astrology of the 8th House helps me look at myself with insight and compassion:  I have a legacy of conflict about self-worth, resources and the ability to make my way in the way (materially).  My conflicts with "benefactors" have repeated themselves throughout my life, and MCS has magnified these conflicts. 

I put this post here, as I put so many, as a form of chronicling and documentation for a life in need of healing.  My shortcoming of viewing life either through darkly tinted rose color or cut-and-dried-black-and-white, I turn over to a Power greater than myself -- several times a day.  This recent episode with chemicals/boundaries/friendship/relationships/home/values needs the help of Powers greater than my shortcomings.  We will need the guidance of a Power greater than the episode, and then there must be the hard work of acting on the guidance.  God help us.  What follows is a clip from Donna Cunningham describing the "Unsuspecting role of the 8th House in Fiscal Fitness."  This look at the astrology of the 8th House speaks to me at many levels.  As part of the guidance I ask for, I put this down to be a source of information and insight.

The 8th house is a relationship house, yet if there’s an imbalance in resources, over time it sets up an imbalance of power in the relationship as well. In order not to lose power over the recipient, the benefactor may even covertly (yet unconsciously) sabotage the recipient’s best efforts at career progress and self-sufficiency.

I find that members of these (three) groups share a deeply entrenched belief that they cannot earn their own living or succeed in a career of their own choosing. They’re utterly convinced that their resources (the 2nd house) are grossly inadequate to make their own way in life and that they have to rely on other people’s resources (the 8th house). Unless healed, this self-undermining belief could paralyze them from going after their dreams.

The “Benefactor’s” True Colors are Revealed

All too often, the supposed benefactor is gradually revealed as controlling and tight-fisted, so the bond deteriorates into an extremely demeaning one. For every dime that comes their way, recipients pay a heavy toll in lowered self-worth and loss of freedom to determine the course of their own lives and finances...

It always seems that individuals like those described above work far harder to eke out demeaning dribs and drabs from their benefactors than they ever would at a job. It might be worthwhile for those whose 8th house is dominant to engage in a cost/results analysis to determine whether the relationship with their benefactor is cost-effective — or a form of self-sabotage and self-abasement.
Finding a Healthy Balance between Giving and Receiving

The 8th house wouldn’t exist — or wouldn’t signify anything other than death, birth, and regeneration — if giving and receiving in equal balance weren’t part of the Universe’s plan for our long-range spiritual evolution. Equal balance is the key phrase here...

When you allow others to give to you, be cognizant of the need to reciprocate in a timely manner and in equal measure — perhaps not always with financial repayment but with support that will be equally meaningful to the other party. Someday the bill will come due, and the quicker you repay your benefactor, the less financial and karmic interest you accrue!...

CLICK below to read Donna's entire article on Skywriter
God grant me
the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
courage to change what I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
-The Serenity Prayer Adapated from the literature of AL-ANON

Help me to learn to give and take,


Mokihana Calizar said...

Neptune (dissolver of all it touches) and Chiron (the oldest of wounds) are transiting my 2nd House. Second House: Money and possessions. But it goes beyond these. The second house also shows the VALUE you place on things, including yourself, so it includes your sense of self-worth. This house corresponds to the 2nd sign, Taurus, which is the sign of material goods.

I put this on the comments to help me remember the energy I'm getting to address my Values, including my sense of self-worth.


Donna Cunningham said...

I'm glad my article on the 8th was enlightening to you, Mokihana. I don't think I entirely got how very vulnerable you are until I read that about the mask, which you apparently must carry at all times. How very difficult and scary!
Donna Cunningham of Siywriter

Mokihana Calizar said...

MCS can be a very vulnerable condition for us; people with high levels of sensitivities live with the constant threat of 'exposures.' Your article arms me with another angle, and that's one of the reasons I have directed my energy to creating a Canary Carnival where awareness and experiences of/about MCS can become more known and accepted.

linda said...

We do live with a constant threat of exposures (or chemical assaults)... Every time we step outside our safe bubble, if we're lucky enough to have one that doesn't leak what others use in thru the cracks. And then we are the ones expected to do most of the compromising... it's a heavy burden to bear sometimes.

I hope your journey leads to a safer and more respectful environment real soon.