New Moon in Sagittarius arriving Wednesday, December 16, at 4:02am (PST).
CAUTION: If you're looking for an up-beat read, this ain't it!
If you have been reading my posts and the comments recently the dark night of the soul has been my reality. Astrologically Neptune the planet of illusion/delusion, fantasies has been strongly affecting my ability to act (Mars). It's not easy for me to translate the astrology of things, and yet, I keep trying to make sense of the losses and grief that pile up around and inside me. It's not pretty, it's not politically correct nor is it socially acceptable to mourn in the open. Wailing is totally a shunner and god friends and family just don't know what to do, or just can't know what to do when the grief of loss after loss keeps happening. As in, what do you say to someone you have known who is homeless or walking around with an illness that you really can't see? Oh, the mask that might be an indicator. I've had a thought recently that MCS Multiple Chemical Sensitivities is the Alcoholism of the Twentieth Century. Before folks like Bill and Lois W. began collecting and gathering the wisdom of the 12 Steps and serving coffee at meetings for the alcohol sensitive ... drunks were drunks were drunks. There was no understanding or support for the illness. There were no steps and traditions to recovery.
Since I have been in the rooms where the Steps and Traditions are spoken and the practices encouraged and supported, I'm a humbled believer and recovering family member affected by alcoholic sensitivities. Research and connections between alcoholism and MCS aren't something I know as 'science'. The knowing is coming from some other place call it intuition or a Neptune affliction based on delusion. What I recognize is the similarities between the despair and extended dark nights of the soul that overwhelm me as the same grief I have felt when the affects of alcohol were as plain as that troupe of elephants parked in the living room. Am I the elephant in the living room (or the Vardo, or the one behind the mask) ignored because people just don't 'get' it; or just can't/don't know what to say or do to recognize the grief and loss ? The path to recovery with MCS is similar though different. I know of at least one other MCSer who is both recovery alcoholic and MCSer. Whether there are others I only wonder about that now.
I have a therapy appointment scheduled in a few hours. For more than a year I have had a trusted and compassionate connection to a human being who holds my hand and my soul as I work through loss and grief. Her fees were accommodating to start with consideration for the illness (of which she also lives), and when my ability to pay shrank, her fees slide accordingly. Like an alcoholic thinking she can just 'cut back' I have tried to cut back on the support because frankly there's little cash left to pay for them. I called her this morning and said there was enough to pay for the sessions I've already had, and I needed to schedule another. She has been following and reading the blog and said, "I'm glad you're calling after reading how suicidal you've been."
Astrologer Julie Dembloski has a post on her blog today about the potency of the New Moon coming up this week. (the bold letters are my add) It was this post and those emboldened thoughts that shoved me into finally making that call to my therapist. The price of a soul lost to the potential of his or her inner value and outer contribution to life on the Planet can't be measured by the weights and measurements of a collective that can't speak my language, or walk in my shoes. Although I have made connections with others who live with the affects of EI (environmental illness) and value the compassion and support that I get there in my virtual communities. My Scorpio Sun with heavy Pluto affecting me, needs to go to the privacy of a trusted confidant and counselor. I pay my way (that's Leo pride, maybe) to "sort usable energies, facts, knowledge."
"... Considering all factors, this is a New Moon of potentials; the biggest challenge is to take the seed energies and sort usable energies, facts, knowledge, inspiration, images and visions, from delusions, fantasies, and responses seated in old hurts. One way to stay grounded (and thus make best use of these potentials) is to earth ourselves through the sign energy of Earth’s current position, in Gemini. This suggests we can bounce ideas off others, discuss, network, and fact-check, in order to see what’s truly feasible, and what may be a little too pie-in-the-sky."
What keeps you going through a dark night of the soul?